Goodbye Dad

Mankind may have fallen from the transgression of Adam...but we aren't judged because of his transgression. I have fallen because of my father shoving me to the ground in the past, but I'm ending with a kind word. I will be the better person, because he forgot how to. I will not be judged for what he has done. I will not fall, because he has fallen. I will not judge him for what he has done. I will love him, for as long as I live. I will forgive him always. Sadly, I will never trust him again...and I will not have him part of my life, because he has poisoned my mind for too long.

Three days...what would you do, if you knew you would say goodbye to one of your parents in three days? (Not three days from now, but only three days of seeing them). All I can think about, is my blanket and teddy bear. Those two items are the last two things, that I care about anymore. The bear has my countless tears, wasted over my dad, and the blanket was a something my mom and  I had made together.

It may be a goodbye, for now, but maybe someday...we'll fix things again. I love him, but things are too personal and up-close. I'm his child, but I'm not his property. I'm his daughter, but that doesn't give him right to have hurt me all those years. Despite all that, I still love him. When I'll leave, I know I'll leave with a broken heart. If he reads this, which I hope he does, I know he will use these words against me (somehow, someway), as he always has.

As this chapter comes to a close, another one will begin. Exciting, will the world be as it unfolds just for me. Every sun will rise, and set, for me. Every breath will be remembered. I'll let things go, so I will be able to pick up something worth holding onto. I just wish he could have been that something worth holding onto, maybe someday he will...and maybe someday I will marry a man that will look me in the eyes and say "I love you Emily". I pray that I will feel that love, as he says those words and even when he doesn't. Most of all, I pray that he will love me just the way I am.

BEGIN SOMETHING NEW TODAY.

100 Views!!!

Never did I think that anyone would want to read my blog, let alone...get 100 views! This is a post for those who take the time to ACTUALLY read my blog. It's not for if you like it or not (of course). If you do, that's even more great. This just goes to show, that something small can be started, and maybe it will become something amazing.

Here is my challenge to you, begin something new today. I put it at the end of every post, but I seriously want you to start something new. It could be a blog, getting a new friend, calling someone that you haven't in a while, or even going on a blind date. The point to this mission is to open your eyes to the possibility of life. I'm definitely not promoting negativity, by trying anything negative; such as drugs and alcohol. Keep it on the positive side, because when you start a positive, it just keeps coming...if you let it!

BEGIN SOMETHING NEW TODAY.

Life is a stage...

How true the statement rings; "life is a stage, we are all merely actors." If you take life from this viewpoint...it makes everything seem more fascinating. Everyone knowing what they have to say, so perfectly. It's as if you're the star, but at the same time...you're the audience as well. The impromptu of life, how interesting to think of it in that way. We all grow so accustomed to the roles we have written for ourselves, that we grow to lose a hold of who our character really is. How easy is it to tell someone something, that could be entirely false, just to see their reaction? Maybe it's because you know what words to say to get certain reactions. It's a terrible gift to know what to say and how to say it. It's easy for me to break someone down to the core, in just one sentence. Of course, the sentence is different depending on what person I'm talking to. Each person has buttons, and I'm merely the observer.

Playing part, after part...you come to gain an understanding of who is real and who is acting. Sad thing about life is this, there are a lot of fakers. The thing is, you can see it as black and white but why not gray? An actress, am I? Real, are you? Is it good to be real or fake? We live in a society that craves fake. Fake food, advertisement, people, clothes, beauty, and so much more. So how is it a bad thing to just flow with the river? Go the path that is already set out for you? Or should you go the path that is unknown...get caught in a bush, or maybe run into a tree! Find something new, like a branch in the shape of a question mark. The path not taken isn't an easy path to live by, but it will give you rewards that are not valuable to the human eye. Or, would you rather take the path, where you know exactly where you're going, and everything is so perfectly planned, orderly, and you know where your life will turn out. Sure, there are many situations that you won't be able to foresee, but the basic plan will come true. Go to college, marry a boy, have kids...bumps? Flunk college, get a divorce, and lose custody. I'm not saying this to scare you. JUST TAKE A CHANCE. Breathe some air, and if you're tired of yourself...then be someone new today. You have permission to do so, it's not bad or good...it just is!

BEGIN SOMETHING NEW TODAY.

Stranger Boy

Spent my day with a stranger. Looked in his glasses, and my whole life reflected in them...because all I could see was me. It's great to just scream the Wizard of Oz theme song and skip around town, or watch the sunset together...or even falling asleep to an epic movie. I can see why girls do that...but I want to find satisfaction in myself without someone, before throwing myself into a boy's arms. No kisses happened...only hugs...but still. There's something to be said about a girl that can't find peace in herself, unless she's staring into another boy's eyes. When I looked at him, I saw all the men who betrayed me before: my dad, Jacinto, and so many more. So I would hug him, and shut my eyes, trying not to let that all in...not to let it cloud who he is.

It was so exciting to not be the freak for once, or maybe just to be liked for who I am. To be crazy, and love it. Most of all, to not be made fun of. We were similar in the aspect that we are both disliked, because we're so strange. I thank him though, because instead of worrying about my future, I let that all go so I could get to know him; just to spend a day with him. Quirky, and strange as it was...I'm not sure if I want to let that go. Am I dumb for wanting that everyday, or smart for understanding that it's important to concentrate on what's going on for my future's sake. There are wounds that I know aren't yet gone...and I'm teary-eyed now, thinking about all of them. Some of them are tears of sadness, because I'm so broken. Some of them are tears of joy, because I ignored my problems, even if it was just for a day.


BEGIN SOMETHING NEW TODAY.

Peace

People could go their entire lives confusing peace and happiness. Then again...they get confused on what peace really is. What is peace? Is it a world where it's still, because there isn't war and anger? A home without yelling, or contention? A quiet room with no one around, and even your heart beat can be heard? I don't think any of these things can truly bring peace, and maybe this doesn't ring true at all...and maybe even happiness is really at the bottom of a wine bottle, but I will account of things that I think I know. Yes, silence can bring peace, in a way. As a sunset can bring smiles, and peace of mind. To me, true peace lays in the mind. It's the day when you can feel that you have won the war over yourself. When you know that you love, and not only tolerate...but appreciate yourself. There's a sweet and tender bliss that comes with the acknowledgment that you mean something, and this something is greater than you can even comprehend. The reason why you mean so much, is because you're a being, created through great purpose, with the capability of divine thought,. We live in a wasteful world, that teaches us to hate, and to dread each day. Why does it have to be this way? Why is it popular to be miserable? I've often wondered this, because I don't even understand the phrase "misery loves company". Because, I don't like people being miserable with me. Yes, I get angry, and yell at people...but when I'm truly in a state, where my heart is broken beyond repair, it's then when I want to be alone, because I understand it's something that shouldn't be shared. Anger wins my heart, each and every day...and I'm finally admitting to that, and I'm frantically searching for a change. A change of heart, so that one day I'll maybe live in happiness, through peace. Peace of mind, peace of heart, and the understanding that today new...and open for change.

BEGIN SOMETHING NEW TODAY.

Dependable

Most of everyone is looking for something, or something to depend on. If you're not one of these people, then you're one of the few that depend on yourself. I've noticed this lately though...I don't really depend on others, and I'm usually crumbling under pressure, because I'm holding up this boulder of a life. I could have someone help me carry this thing, while I help carry their load...but I don't. Usually, I'm the one adding the problems of other people to the massive thing I'm already carrying. It's kind of like the thirsty bird, he comes down for water, and bobs back down for more water when he needs more. I'm the bird, but I'm drowning in the water. It all really depends on how you look at the situation. Haha, the funny thing about the words depends, is that it reminds me of diapers.

Society tries to tell us that we should depend on beautiful people, because APPARENTLY they're the reliable people, these days. Cartoons convey super heroes as dependable people, but look at how many times the Jane, or Louis characters nearly die! Who are we supposed to be depending on? The soldiers, who keep the bad guys out of our houses? The police force, fighting off the enemies within the lines? Firefighters, doctors, nurses, FBI, or even the government? People are born to be flawed creatures, so no matter what...we're bound to let down someone. So look up to the big guy upstairs, the one who created all this beautiful mess, because he cares and is dependable. 

Who do you depend on? Your mom or dad? Your sister or brother? Maybe your friend? ...or is it simply in yourself? If it's in yourself, you must remember to build yourself up, strong enough to face the blows. Or else your foundation will crack, and the entire being, which makes you who you are, will crumble and fall.

BEGIN SOMETHING NEW TODAY.

Ignorance Is Bliss

Have you ever heard of that saying before? If you haven't, then you definitely shouldn't be using this wonderful device that we call a SEARCH ENGINE. Go search it up, NOW. If you have, then that's just great! I have always thought that ignorance was actually happiness. For the longest of time, I thought this way. It wasn't till I found out terrible truths in my life, about people that I thought I knew. The people who are supposed to be caring, loving people, are actually the monsters living under your bed. In my case, it's just a monster...as far as I know. Discovering the truth, after so many years is more painful then knowing the truth right away. My monster was terrible, because he had sharp teeth, and said that he used them to eat food better. He had terrible eyes, and said he used them to keep an eye on me better. He had sharp claws, and said he used them to keep me safe from monsters. Piece by piece, I saw all the things wrong with the beast, the qualities that made him the monster that he is. Finally one day, instead of thinking about all the qualities, I finally saw the entire monster that he is...the whole person...and so what my mind always does, it reverts back to how good life used to be. A life of ignorance, a life of bliss.  The sad thing is, at the end of the day, I cry...knowing that my dad is that terrible monster. My mom says that I should still love him, but who could love a monster? I just really wish that I was the crazy one, imagining all this up...because this reality is so dismal.Yet...I so foolishly come to wonder if he has really cared this entire time, or if my trust has been used as bait for his many traps? So, would you rather live a life of ignorance, or bliss?

BEGIN SOMETHING NEW TODAY.